It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything on this blog. A lot has happened and changed in my life since I’ve delved into writing, but nothing has changed my life like the dissent into psychosis did. Almost a year ago now, I fell into the pit of psychosis and for about six months, I worked harder than any other time in my life to crawl my way out. Finally, I can say I am free from psychosis. But, it changed me in ways I’ll never be able to undo. So, I’m writing this as a way to figure out my own mind. (I apologize if it’s incoherent. My brain still isn’t back to full functionality.)
Where to begin…
It all came on pretty abruptly. I remember being my normal, joyful self and then one day… I was trapped by such intense anxiety, paranoia, jealously, fear, and anger. I couldn’t see through it. I was worried about things that had never crossed my mind before. I was paranoid about “bad people” being out to get me. Some of these people being actual people in my life (I’m sure you can imagine the damage that has on relationships). I was jealous and fearful in my relationship that I never had trust issues in before. I’d call people close to me mean things and sometimes, yell. I’d break things I loved and would throw things across the room. I’d bang my head until I couldn’t see straight. And this is just what I remember. Most of what happened, I’m unable to recall. Being in psychosis made me into somebody I’m not. Somebody I shared no resemblance to before. And that terrifies me to this very day. I’m still perplexed at how someone who’s normally calm, kind, and laid back could turn into a paranoid, agitated mess. But thats what psychosis is. You don’t act like yourself while you’re in it. Thats what my therapist has been reminding me of, at least.
But, enough with the hard stuff. I have positive news–I’m free from the shackles of psychosis! I haven’t acted that way in almost half a year. I’m back to my calm, happy self…for the most part. My only battle with psychosis that I’m still fighting is the guilt. The guilt of how I acted and how I wasn’t in control of my own thoughts or actions. The guilt eats at me every day. I’m learning though, that it wasn’t my fault and that I wasn’t in control. Because you’re not in control when you’re in psychosis. Your brain is sick and broken. I have a lot of guilt over how I acted but I’m learning to let go. Because I didn’t choose psychosis. And I didn’t choose to act like that. So, thats why I’m writing this. To get the thoughts out of my own cloudy head. I was really sick, but I’m not going to let that take over my life. Not anymore. Today is a new day and its a beautiful day to allow myself to start over.
I guess I should mention what I did to get out of psychosis, because I didn’t just wake up one day and feel better. It was the hardest work I ever did to get out of psychosis. It was real, painstaking effort. The first step towards getting better is when I checked myself into the psych ward. It was scary and hard and I don’t want to go into more detail then that, but I pushed through and made it out. Then, I had months and months of therapy. One program after another. Then, repeating the same program and trying again. Programs that lasted all day for months on end. There was medications. A lot of trying different meds and dealing with the horrible side effects. Meds that made new symptoms appear or worsen symptoms I was trying to fix. But, finally I ended up on two medications that work for me and help me (which I am so, so grateful for.) Now, after months of therapy, good medications, a lot of relearning and self-persverance –I don’t have paranoid thoughts (very often), I have zero aggression like how I used to be, I’m free of delusions, and I truly feel like myself again (besides the guilt I’m still harboring.)
Psychosis is hard and scary and awful– but I survived. I lived through it. I’m back to my normal myself. I’m kind and loving and patient and compassionate again.